Feelings

I've heard having feelings and emotions is what makes us human.  I think I'd be ok with not being human because the sad feelings and emotions are constant and never-ending.  I know it's wishful thinking to have this idea of "feeling good" all of the time, and it doesn't seem attainable.  I need calmness, patience, gratitude, silent and inner joy, quiet, no thoughts, no tears, no jealousy and envy, no guilt, no regrets, no anger, no fear, no desires, no rushing, no chasing after anything or anyone, no expectations, no love, no wants, no manipulation or tactics, nothing.  I want to be nothing, feel nothing.  I encountered my reflection a few nights ago.  An enraged woman yielded a knife at me, and I saw evil in her eyes.  I could've been killed in the street.  I don't even believe I was afraid,  only enraged that I didn't have anything to defend myself.  After the incident, I realized she is/was a reflection of me.  

In this moment I'm feeling defeated, sad, lonely, rejected, sorry for myself, and I just want the pain to stop completely.  One day...